I think it’s time for a good old-fashioned wank.
Now that that’s out of the way…
It’s inevitable, but it sucks.
I’m terrified of it…
…Not for fear of what the change might bring, but by the possible loss of any anchor I might have held onto tightly in order to maintain.
I’m moving into an apartment. Sounds minor, right? I’m moving from what many have considered to be a “toxic” environment. Here I am though, completely terrified at the concept now that it’s finally coming to fruition after I got back to Colorado four years ago. It’s a change in the status quo; the only thing I think I can hold onto to keep myself from freaking out from day to day. Having that change puts me on high alert for so many reasons.
I can’t say I like it. I know I need it, but I hate it because of how it’s going to affect me in the short term. It’s like waiting for a beating that you just have to shut-up and take. The metaphorical beating has a possibility of making me stronger, but it could break me as well. So, I’m inclined to not like it, I’m just going through with it regardless, short term mental health be damned!
What makes it so scary, is that it raises a lot of questions and possibilities that I’m forced to identify in the negative until things can fall into place. Questions like, ” If I remove negative X, what’s going to replace it?” and possibilities like, “If I’m away from the seemingly bad things in my life, and I’m a worse piece of shit than I originally thought, what then?”
The panic sets in when I think about it. It sets in HARD.
I’m aware of all the good this could mean for me as well, getting out of a bad situation, into a hopefully better one, I just can’t help thinking about all the possibilities that could leave me destroyed.
The only thing I can say to it, is that opportunity swings both ways; I made it this far, I suppose I can keep fighting what gets thrown at me til there’s either nothing left of it, or nothing left of me.
I know it took me a week and a half longer to get it done, but here it is! A first entry into my new life. It’s time for change.